Saturday, June 2, 2012

Portal Cake, no longer a lie...

*Update* Entered the cake in the Buffalo Niagara Heritage Village German Festival on 6/16/12 and it won Best German Themed and Best Cake All Around! WOOT!

The game Portal is set in the mysterious Aperture Science Laboratories, in which, players must solve physical puzzles and challenges by opening portals, maneuvering objects, and moving themselves through space in ways that used to be impossible. They say, "The cake is a lie". I say, "Not anymore, it ain't."

The recipe listed in the game is as follows:
1 (18.25 oz) package chocolate cake mix
1 can prepared coconut frosting
3/4 cups vegetable oil
4 large eggs
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
3/4 cup butter or margarine
2/3 cups granulated sugar
3 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups all purpose flour
2/3 cups cocoa
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/3 cups water
1 to 2 (6 oz each) vanilla frosting
Don't forget garnishes such as:
Fish-shaped crackers
Fish-shaped candies
Fish-shaped solid waste
Fish-shaped dirt
Fish-shaped ethylbenzene
Pull-and-peel licorice
Fish-shaped volatile organic compounds and sediment-shaped sediment
Candy-coated peanut butter pieces (shaped like fish)
1 cup lemon juice
Alpha resins
Unsaturated polyester resin
Fiberglass surface resins and volatile malted milk impoundments
9 large egg yolks
12 medium geosynthetic membranes
1 cup granulated sugar
An entry called: "How to Kill Someone with Your Bare Hands"
2 cups rhubarb, sliced
2/3 cups granulated rhubarb
1 tbsp. all-purpose rhubarb
1 tsp. grated orange rhubarb
3 tbsp. rhubarb, on fire
1 large rhubarb
1 cross borehole electromagnetic imaging rhubarb
2 tbsp. rhubarb juice
Adjustable aluminum head positioner
Slaughter electric needle injector
Cordless electric needle injector
Injector needle driver
Injector needle gun
Cranial caps

And it contains proven preservatives, deep-penetration agents, and gas- and odor-control chemicals that will deodorize and preserve putrid tissue.

Ingredients omitted by the cake core include:
1 tsp. vanilla extract
2/3 cup cocoa powder
1 1/4 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. baking powder
1 to 2 (16 ounces each) cans vanilla frosting
A 20-foot thick impermeable clay layer

Well this is terrible, I mean you could follow this but no one would want to eat it.
So I adjusted it to make it tastier.

8 cups plus 2 tbls flour, 4 tsp baking powder, 3 tsp baking soda, 2 tsp salt, 4 sticks unsalted butter, softened, 4 cups sugar, 2 tsp pure vanilla extract, 6 large eggs, 4 cups buttermilk (or two boxes of Betty Crocker will do too)

Mix well and pour into two well greased 9 inch round cake pans. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Flip onto a wire rack to cool.

Spread coconut pecan frosting thickly. Then set the second cake on top.

Frost the entire exterior thickly with whipped milk chocolate frosting.

Smooth it down evenly and make a slight divot around the center.

Sprinkle chopped pecans on top and then press handfuls of nuts into the sides of the cake.

The nuts should be layered on thickly.

Squirt on whipped cream in two layers in eight spots.

Select eight cherries and dry them well on a paper towel then place, centered, onto the whipped cream.

The best candle is a white Hanukkah dipped taper.

This thick cake is very rich, so slice thinly, and enjoy with a tall glass of milk.

"Anyway, this cake is great. It's so delicious and moist."―GLaDOS in "Still Alive"


  1. But how could you not use fish shaped ethylbenzene?

    1. I was plum out of fish shaped ethylbenzene when I made it.
      Discovered it tasted great without it.